Shh!! And stop calling on the devil

It was suppose to be a movie night but what I walked into was a devil casting, tongue speaking and feet stamping prayer session. I did a double take to make sure I was at the right place.  Of course I was because Kemi and Tolani were standing in one corner of the room, probably mad as hatters.  I had convinced them the previous night to come out for the movie night. I wondered how a movie night turned into a night vigil? If Mobola wanted to have a prayer night, all she was suppose to do was ask. Although, I don’t think I would have showed up if I knew this was going to be an Iso oru[1]. I can pray without ceasing but omo not tonight. I was tired.

As I walked across the living room to meet Kemi, Mobola's mother passed to me a white handkerchief, “fi bori e” [2] she said. I threw the cloth over the top of my head and tied it at the back while I said breathe prayers to God to take control of the situation going on in the living room. I managed to get to Kemi then whispered

“What happened? I thought u guys were watching Twilight? How did this become a night vigil? Where is Mobola?”

“It was a movie night until 30 minutes ago.  Mobola's youngest sister – I don’t remember her name….”

“Korede” I interjected

“Yes... that one, she sha fell asleep and then we heard her screaming Jesus over and over again”

“Kilode”?[3]

“She believed she was bound by the devil”

“Bound by the devil ke?  I don’t understand.”

“She said when she woke up, she was unable to move or speak for 5 minutes. It was as if she was frozen and something heavy was sitting on her chest. oh... she also said she saw a vampire in the room.”

I chuckled... “Which one? Jasper Cullen”

“Stop laughing because it's not funny. Their mother even broke the DVD into pieces”

“Stop it, you are lying”

“okay oh... shebi you have eyes, look over there now” she pointed to the broken dvd pieces laying on the carpet

“Ladies, please let's be of one accord. The devil is always looking for whom to devour. please stop talking and let the holy ghost do his job” Mobola's mother spoke

For reasons unknown to me, I stayed and prayed with them for 10 minutes before i took my leave. I would have thought in a household filled with registered and license practical nurses, someone should have known that what happened to Korede was Sleep Paralysis .

But as usual, ignorant culture took over

I am still shaking my head

________________

[1] Night Vigil

[2] Cover your head with it

[3] What happened

Their Dream

Hers

He shot her. He shot her three times, once in the chest and twice in the stomach. He then dragged her by her hair to the living room where his mother sat weeping. He pointed to his mother then said “look at my mother, are you happy now? This is what you have always wanted, isn’t it?” He then pushed her away and stared out the window while she bled and his mother wept.

She woke up with the pain in her stomach, the dream had felt so real and alive. He was lying beside her face up with one hand to his chest and the other hanging by the side of the bed. If it wasn’t for the sound of his snore, she won’t have known he was asleep. His eyes were half opened, jerking back and forth; a sign that tell he is in REM sleep. Dreaming. She looked at the clock and it says 4:30am; in fours hours, they will be on their way to the court house to get married. Last week, she had given him an ultimatum. “Choose one” she said “its either me or your mother”.

Last night he chose her. He chose her not only over his mother but his whole family. For the reason being that his father had supported his mother and his sisters supported their father.

Before she left his house at 5:02 am, she wrote him a note. “Honey, we can wait. Lets see if they will come around”.


His

The stream was fast rising. He needed to get both of them to the other side but there was no boat around. Suddenly he saw one, though it was full, he still hailed it. He recognized her parents and siblings, “we only have room for one “her father said. “Let her come in and you wait for your parents, their boat is coming behind us”. She climbed into the boat without question, not even to ask if he will be okay by himself. And off their boat went. He looked the other way just in time to see his parent’s boat “Mami, please I need a ride” he called out to his mother. “we have no more room. But since I can swim better than you, why don’t you take my space and I will swim to shore”. He was grateful for his mother’s suggestion and willing to comply. But just then, his father pulled his mother back into the boat and said “No, let him swim to the shore, remember he told us to mind our business in his affairs”.

He woke up tired and the feeling of loneliness and abandonment loomed large in his thoughts. The clock says 5:10am; he knows he has to get up in 2 hours to get ready for his wedding. He reached out to touch her but she was not there. He panicked, and called to her in the dark. It could be that she was using the bathroom, but he heard no answer. He turned on the light, to see a note on the dresser.

“Honey, we can wait. Lets see if they will come around” it said. Relief washed over him and he murmured to himself “and wait we shall my dear, wait we shall”.

She asked me because?

a) I’m single
b) I live alone
c) I’m observant
d) I’m career oriented
e) She believes that is all what girls like me do
f) All of the above


I was surprised to see four missed calls from her when I returned from a fruitless four hour meeting. We never talk on the phone. We rarely talk in person; I did not know she had my number. We are not close. She is my cousin’s sister-in-law.

From the start, when they (my cousin’s in-laws) came to “collect” their wife (my cousin). This sister-in-law had already separated herself from us (my other cousins and I). She was one of those girls that will look at you and say “I am not your mate, America is not a leveler. If we were back home, we won’t even be on speaking terms”. She is probably 6-9 years older. I still don’t know her age. My cousin says she is 35, her brother says she is 34 and she tells everybody that she is 36. Her age does not concern me; what I know is that she wants to be respected.

So far she has earned it until her call.

On my way home I listened to her message “Allied please call me back, you are my only hope, I know u can help me”

Obviously, this had to be serious for her to bypass my cousin to call me; I guess I was really her last hope. So I called her back and asked her what she wanted

“Where can I get a dildo? What store can I go?” she asked

“Excuse me? Kile wi? I had to switch to Yoruba because I was not sure I had heard correctly”

“Dildo, vibrator, E bo ni moti le ra? A very good one.” I know you will have that information, I don’t want to get it on the internet, I want to go to a store”

At this point I took a deep breath, I was amused. How did she come to the conclusion that I had info on adult stores? Or I might know what makes a very good dildo?

“How am I suppose to have that information” I said to her calmly

“Common Allied, u girls of nowadays (girl please! We are the same generation) that don’t want to be hooked up always have a solution for yourself. Just tell me where I can get it”

Back in the days, I would have said one or two not so nice things but I am older and wiser and I also know that her opinion of me does not matter. I could have told her that I don’t know an adult store, but the truth is I am very observant

“I don’t know where u can buy a dildo except on the internet. However, there is an adult store close to your mother’s house. I am not sure if they sell only “blue movies” (yes, I still call them that, It is just easier to say in public) but I am sure they will have information on where you can go and get it”

“Can you please go there for me and find out. I need to get it for a friend. Help me pick out a good one. u should know the latest abi?”

Is this lady Mad?

“No, I can’t help you go there, and like you said ‘us girls of nowadays that don’t want to be hooked up always have a solution for ourselves’. Sorry, a dildo is not part of it.”

I guess she heard the sass in my voice because she said her goodbye and I bade her one.

Rubbish!

Question – Do Nigerians realize that it is normal for a single girl not to want to be hooked up?


There was a time an older lady (she is also 6-7 years older) asked to hook me up. She spoke about this guy from her church; a boy I have had the pleasure of meeting many times. He was an acquaintance. She went on and on about this guy until she noticed I was not excited.

“Allied, you are too picky, is it because he is big boned?”

“No aunty, it’s not that. I know Olumide, he is a nice guy. The thing is I don’t like hook ups”

Can you believe what she told/asked me?

“Oh, I see. You don’t want to date him because he will not fornicate with you’?

I was speechless for a moment, then I busted out laughing... first of all, who uses fornication in a sentence like that? And secondly, is she really for real? I just continued laughing until she herself was embrassed and she bade me goodbye

I know hook ups works for some, but there are people like us that don’t like them. It is not a sin. I have been labeled a Fornicator and a Dildo informant because I don’t like hook ups.

I don’t like HOOK ups – Yes I said it. I DON’T LIKE HOOK UPS...

And if you are offended I said that, please go jump off a cliff

Ok, don’t jump. But seriously just because you found your wife, husband, fiancée, fiancé, boyfriend, girlfriend, jump-off, cat, dog, sheep through hook ups does not mean everyone else has to go the same route.

And they say I’m picky

Text from a ‘toaster’

“Hi allied, hope all is well. I am sick. It turns out I have mono and I have been in bed since last week. I hope u are still around when I get better. I really want to meet up in City. One more thing, U have beautiful lips”

Can somebody say Ewwwwwwwww! The guy just stated he has mono, then he is talking about my lips. My skin actually crawled when I read the text.

A note to Cupid/Eros
Cupid, I seriously think the arrows in your quiver have lost its magic. Or maybe you are simply amusing yourself with different characters. I don’t even know why I am complaining to you, what else should I expect from a chubby baby? But if it the arrows that are causing errors, please get new ones from your mom (she still in good favor) and may I also suggest you take off your blindfold before shooting them

Souvenir - A Haiku Story

The days are shorter
Layer blankets and hot tea
Welcome winter

Escaping the blues
Pink Polka dot bikini
Australian summer

Nightlife & Vodka
Headboard knocking; Yes! Oh Yes
False intimacy

Everything must end
Bills waiting in mailbox
Looming solitude

Slanted deep brown eyes
Tuck in a wooly blanket
Autumn, a son’s birth

Things I wish i knew years ago

I’m a year older today, and I’ve made my share of mistakes in my life. As much as I will like to always learn from the mistakes of others, I am humanly bond to make mine and learn tremendously from very single one.

Are there things I would have changed in my life? Probably, but I am not so sure because almost every poor choice I made shaped me into the woman I am today and it shouldn’t be surprising to say that I love me. However, there are a few things I wish I knew at some point in my life. It certainly would have made my life easier and less stressed. I am not sharing these things in regret but in hope that others can benefit from my blunders because we cannot live long enough to make them all by ourselves.

People will always have something to say. You don’t have to always listen.
l remember that at 8 years old, I was already 5’5. Aunties and Uncles said “Allied, you are growing too tall, no man will marry you if you grow any taller” Can u believe that? Of course, at that time when it had been instilled in us in school that the greatest achievements for girls were to be a good daughter then a great wife. The latter was going to be difficult if I did not somehow stunt my own growth. So at Age 8, Allied began to fast and pray so as not to grow an inch. Well I am 5’8 right now and I am the shortest in my family. Now all I hear is “if you are just as tall as your sister (5’10) you could have been a model.

All that stuff that’s stressing you out — it won’t matter in 5 years, let alone 15.
There have been many things that have happened to me, professionally and personally, that seem like the end of the world. And while these things were bad, they get blown up in my head so that they become major drama. They caused me to be depressed from time to time. What a waste of time. There are different problems at every stage in life. I remember when my biggest problem was when Kayode said he like omolade in primary 5B and not me. I told myself I will never like any boy again - Yeah right! Another big problem was this Data Structure class in University I couldn’t pass. I was one of the good students in computer science but still I could not pass this100 level course, it took 3 exams before I passed it in my last year. Still with a B+. There was also this crazy boss that was after my life, I thought I needed that job, but in the end, they let me go. It took me four weeks to understand that needed to happen for me to be where I am today. So, whatever those stress might be right now, just realized that it wouldn’t matter a single bit just a few years down the road. Perspective is a good thing to learn.

That skinny will be in vogue.
All those that called me “gbekumoyan” “Igbale” “walking stick” “Letter i” I want to see you now!! Ahh, I suffer oh, Kids and adult can be downright cruel. They called me names just because I was skinny. What didn’t I consume to make me fat – raw eggs, more raw eggs, milk and all other concoctions? Now, some of those *insert not so nice word* people see me now and as say “Allied, please tell me how you stayed your size”? drink raw eggs I say

Saying NO does not mean the end of the world.
I had a problem saying No and people took advantage of me. I had to start saying No, the first practice was telling myself in the mirror – it might sound silly but it worked. Now I am so good at it. Expect to hear a No from me if I have just finish cleaning the kitchen then you tell me to make you Iyan and Egusi. Expect to hear No, if you ask me to pick you up at your friend’s house at 1am on a workday when I am suppose to be at work at 7am. Infact I just said No to my little cousin (he is 1) he wants water, which means I have to stop typing... Okay maybe I am taking the No thing too far. ‘I am coming sweetie’

Just because you can pay the minimum doesn’t mean you can afford the balance.
Pay up your credit card debt and don’t buy so much stuff. My 20-year-old self would probably have read this post years ago and said, “Good advice!” But still I carried a large balance on my credit cards and paid my minimum balance. I was so mad when I got better in Mathematics and figured out how much I paid in interests for the stuff I don’t even own anymore.

A crying man does not equal a sensitive man.
Allied was ‘Mugued’. Just because a man cries when he hurts you, does not mean he is not evil. U know now that I think about it, I think I was just so shocked that he cried freely with me. As par I am Nigerian, I did not know what to do with a crying man except to “pet” him… ‘Sorry’ I say then clean his eyes then bring him water… Lol... I am laughing now, so funny

Six is not bad now. Please lets know what you wish you knew 5 -10 years ago. Like I said earlier, it is better to learn from other’s mistakes.

Wait!! Before you comment, remember to wish me a Happy Birthday :)

Time then Chance

This is a sequel to Time and Chance written by ablackjamesbond. We all know that sequels are never as good as the original. With that said, treat this piece as such. I promised the author that i will continue the narrative from the brilliant or rather stupid line in my opinion made Bayo a long eared, slow, sure footed domesticated mammal, related to the horse and used chiefly as a beast of burden. It is popular known as an ASS!

Enjoy!


It is a difficult place to be emotionally. In between feeling cheated and trying to figure out what he thought she lacked as a woman and wife, forgiveness was also expected from her. Everyone in that living room knew Modupe’s mind was in turmoil. Occasionally, she let out a sorrowful loud sigh and sporadically shook her left leg as though defusing a cramp due to charley horse. For the first time in the 10 years that she had been married to Bayo, she felt extreme hatred towards him. The mess he had made of her life is about to be swept under the rug and never to be mentioned again, courtesy of the useless family meeting she was called to attend.

They were all seated in the living room waiting for the Olori Ebi [Head of the Family] to come out of the bathroom and start the proceedings. To her right sat her mother and her mother in law, her Pastor and one of the Deacons from the Church. Bayo sat at the corner in his favorite chair which is the tallest in the room. She thought he ought to have sat on the Apoti[1] in the kitchen, it suit the likes of him – a lowlife and shameless husband.

Olori Ebi finally appeared; everyone stood up, out of respect and allowed him to sit before taking their seats.
“Good afternoon everyone”, said Olori Ebi.
“The reason we are here today is to prevent a good thing from turning bad and address an indiscretion which is threatening the stability of the home of our children”

Modupe let out an audible “mmm” sound, in reference to the Olori Ebi’s choice of word “indiscretion”? If it wasn’t for her mother’s painful pinch, she would have told Baba Wande to throw all discretion to the wind and blurt out the truth about his nephew instead of layering it with pretty words.

“...ale tori ori fifo, ka be ori[2]” Olori Ebi continued “Modupe, Iwo la wa bee[3]. Please forgive Bayo. Asise ni[4]”

She woke up to the knowledge that some contribution was expected of her.

“Forgive him? And how do I do that? Am I to pretend this indiscretion never happened? Or that he wasn’t in his right senses when he slept with that girl. And what am I to do with my aching heart? Mami[5] is there a remedy you can prescribe? Mami, e ma wo mi ni ran[6]” Modupe turned to her mother seriously seeking an answer.

‘Wa ni lati se suru ni’[7]. Her mother comforted her.

Olori Ebi asked Modupe to remember the good deeds Bayo had done in the past 10 years. He is still a good son, husband, provider, son-in-law, neighbor and also a friend. Baba Wande’s words soften Modupe’s heart and she started to reason her way through the situation. She could not understand how Bayo found the time to cheat? During the day he was always at work when she called, except when he was out to lunch with his clients. Even at those times, he calls to let her know where he would be. He also came home on time every evening to have dinner with the family, after which he retreats to his study to do more work on his computer. She had even joked with him last weekend that he was married to the machine.

The relationship she had with Bayo had always been a very cordial and close one; it would have to take more than just the beauty of a stupid girl to penetrate and destroy what they have built. Maybe her mother-in-law was right when she said Bayo was bewitched by that girl. Maybe he wasn’t in his right senses when that girl lured him to Ife. Maybe she should forgive him and solicit the help of her pastor to destroy the hex that Mope girl put on him. Modupe looked at her husband and she saw he was so deep in thought. He is truly sorry she thought


Olori Ebi: 'Dupe please don’t be angry. Ese bayo, jo fi ya mi[8]

Modupe: I have heard.

Olori Ebi: Bayo! Bayo!!

Bayo: Yes Sir!

Olori Ebi: “You have wronged this woman deeply but she is willing to forgive you because of the love you have shared this past 10 years and also for the sake of the children. So what do you have to say to her?”

Bayo: Modupe, mo de sa fun e to o. {Modupe, I still can’t believe you caught me after all the precautions I took]

The silence in the room was as deafening as it had been before the meeting started.

Modupe : Bayo lenu e[9]? BAYO!! You are a wicked person oh!! Ko buru [10] But before I forgive him, someone should please ask him a question for me.Would he forgive me for the same indiscretion? Baba Wande, Eba mi bi[11]

Bayo answered before Olori Ebi could retort “Dupe, darijinmi. Tori ife wa Darijinmi. Ise esu ni[12]

Modupe: I will forgive you, but not today. I want us to all come back here next week, because I will also be asking for Bayo’s forgiveness. I am sure the devil will also use me. We can both forgive each other.

Modupe stood up and walked out of the room. Her mother ran calling after her.

Iya Bayo: Obirin agbako wo leyi[13].

Bayo: Baba Wande, please beg Dupe for me. Ahh, she is going to spoil our marriage

Olori Ebi: Ko je danwo[14]. If she does, she might have just succeeded in bringing that Mope girl into this house.

Bayo: She better not do it, because I don’t think I can ever take the taunting of my friends and colleagues. Not in my life time will she bring disgrace into my family.



[1] Low stool
[2] Beheading one’s head is not the remedy for headache
[3] Modupe, we came here to plead
[4] It was a wrong move
[5] My Mother
[6] Mother, don’t just look at me ( means do something)
[7] You just have to have patience
[8] For Bayo’s sins, I will be responsible
[9] Bayo? I can’t believe you said that!
[10] It’s okay
[11] Please ask him
[12] ‘Dupe, forgive me because of our love.. It’s the devil handiwork
[13] What kind of terrible woman is this?
[14] She dare not do it.

For Rebecca

Clustered around papers, I remained on the carpet in the walk-in closet reminiscing all afternoon. The huge round hat box which housed my memorabilia sat stoically in between my tucked and folded legs bearing the depression made on its circumference. Apart from the dent, the box looked relatively new even though it’s a possession of a decade. It keeps secrets of the past, laughter of the present and memories for the future. Each content painted entrance scenery of past events ravishing to the eye and I simply allowed the memory of yesteryears transport me with joy.


Aaron’s letters was to bring me to the end of the journey. I chose them because his words were encouraging and strengthen to the soul. Aaron, who had been a very tall and brilliant white boy in college left sweet notes on my dorm bed once a week. In a subtle way, he professed his fondness of me but more than often his words was geared towards how he wished I could see myself in his eyes. He spoke like Confucius but with fundamentals principles from the Bible. I was never to settle for second best and should I come across difficulties along this path called earth, I was to listen to that still voice within me. His letters takes me to a warm and good place but my story is not about Aaron.


Amongst folded letters, I searched for the familiar yellow papers with the fading musk odor which use to be Aaron’s cologne but instead I found Jacob’s letters. Jacob and I grew up on an Island in New York and we attended the same church. As youths we engaged in every fun activity we were allowed and as time wore on my mother’s words came true. “Girls and Boys can never be friends. One will always want more” Jacob did.


In despite of his one sided “love”, our friendship continued. We cried, laughed and shared good memories. Jacob went far away to college while I went to college in the next state. His thirty or sometimes twenty nine page letters came every month. One for each day of the month and this went on for two years. We both came back home after college to find our Island too small for me. Jacob and I hung out but things were different. For me, he was boring and he in turn did not appreciate my newly acquired prefix and suffix in grammar.


‘Abeg, I am tired jare’


‘What was that? What is ‘a bag? And who is Jerry?’’ he would ask


‘Sorry, I meant I am tired’


‘Then just say you are tired’


A year after college, I moved out of the island but we kept in touch. He was sad and a little withdrawn but like every young lady just out of her teens, I was not going to be responsible for someone’s happiness. He asked me out again but I told him to forget about me. Besides I had already heard the speech from my grandmother “Mo omo eniti iwo ‘n se, Ma ba won fe enikeni ti kin se omo ile wa. A kin se be ni ebi wa”[1]



Jacob is Puerto Rican, and it is better not to start what i can’t finish. Well maybe if I had known my grandmother would die the year next and it wouldn’t matter to my parents who I marry as long as he is a man, I might have been more sensitive but God always knows best. You will have to forgive me again; but this story is also not about Jacob. It is about Rebecca.


You see, memories are like connectors, it leads us to down the chains to other events that are to unfold. Jacob’s letters opened the door to Rebecca’s. Like Jacob, Rebecca also grew up on the island and she is my best friend. She called me one day to see if I could come to the island because she had something to tell me. We picked the place and set the time we were to meet. I walked into the restaurant and saw her by the window with her eyes closed and fist clenched. She was praying. I hope this is good I thought. Her welcome hug lingered which made me a bit uncomfortable. “What is the matter” I asked


Rebecca is in love with Jacob. She had been nursing these feelings for four years. “I want to know if it is okay for me to tell him. I want your support but if by any chance you still like him, I will face reality and let it go”

“Tell him” I said “and if you must know, we never kissed him.” I smiled to assure her

Two years later, Rebecca asked me to be her maid of honor. Friends from our Island think it was a grave mistake I accepted. Rebecca was also advised to stay away from me. “You should be careful; you know her history with Jacob” Even my mom said “Do you think its wise? that would have been your life”

A year after the wedding, Jacob and Rebecca asked me to be godmother to their unborn child. I believed God cosigned on it because he was born on my birthday.

Rereading Jacob’s letters on the carpet in the walk-in closet that hot afternoon made me realize why Rebecca cried the night I shared those letters with her seven years ago. I misunderstood her tears for silliness because she always was the mushy type. I wished I had known then that it was because she loved him.

For Rebecca, The days of Jacob will seize to be mine
For you Rebecca, I tore his letters. Although he wrote them for me, he is living it with you.
For my dear Rebecca, Thank you for holding to our friendship.



*************************
[1] Know the child of whom you are, and don’t marry anyone that is not from our country. We don’t do that in this family.

The Other Side

Somehow, they were always around to see her step in or out of her red sport car. The Sub Rosa life she lives, aroused their interest in her arrivals and departures in that gated community of theirs. Sometimes, they would say hello when she looked their way but often they just stare. One of they rumored she was a model, but another disagreed for although she has the body structure and the height, her glasses and pull back ponytail makes her look more like a sexy teacher. ‘No’ the unassigned leader said authoritatively ‘the laptop she carries and the high heel she wears suggests she works in an office’. They all agreed that she is pretty and dresses very well.

They really did think she was a pretty girl until that warm Monday night. At 1:32am they saw a figure approaching in a familiar stride. They weren’t sure who it was until she said ‘can you please keep your voices down. I know summer is here and you have no school but some of us have to work tomorrow’ though her request was stated calmly with a slight accent that alluded she is bilingual, her voice was somewhat stern. Their action in response to her demand came in the form of a shrill cry – piercing and keening to her senses; she took a couple of steps back, afraid something was terribly wrong. It was not until one of them fell on his back with his hand on his stomach did she realize they were laughing at her.

‘What happened to you?’ He asked. ‘I mean, we always thought you are a babe but dag what happened?’

What they saw, they termed “African booty scratcher”

Her hair was not packed in the usual pony tail but concealed in a tight black satin turban. Her face was bare except for the granny glasses that sat on the edged of her nose. They were huge and round, definitely not the cute squared frame she wore during the day. The faded white shirt clung to her body happily proclaiming the 60th birthday of an old woman. A rather long colorful Ankara covered the lower half of her body, to finish off the look; she wore two different color rubber slippers.

“What a transformation” another said

She in turn saw three young loafers always sitting under the big Juniper like tree below her bedroom window. Sometimes, she throws a smile their way acknowledging their greeting but often she prays for her brother when she sees the three, hoping he is not constituting a nuisance in somebody else’s life just like these loafers does in hers.

In an unmistakably Nigerian accent she yelled “what did you just called me? African booty scratcher? In your life you will not utter such again. You fool. If you don’t leave this place in ten minutes, I will show you what I am made of? Awon ode gbogbo – alianironu omode[1]. “

“You cannot do anything. We will leave when we are good and ready to do so”

“Wait and see. I am only giving you ten minutes. You will definitely regret it if you give me a reason to come out here again”

They continued to laugh

She was definitely pissed off, although her threat was an empty one; she felt a strong need to do something incase they decide to test her already worn thin patience. She paced up her down her bedroom, thinking about what she could do to get those boys away from the tree.

Twenty minutes passed and she still heard them laughing outside her window. One of them mimicked her accent and mannerism for their amusement.

She went into the kitchen and came back with her ammunition. Her first missile cascaded from her window down on their heads. As she finished pouring the big bucket of semi hot water, she remembered the heat wave prediction for that night. She returned to her kitchen and this time she came out with a big bucket of cold water, a broom and omorogun[2]. She stepped out of her house to their curses; many f’s and b’s flew out their mouth. Without retort, she threw the cold water at them, brought out the broom and proceeded to hit them one by one on their leg...

They all ran in disbelieve

With her left arm akimbo and the right holding the omorogun, she yelled “to ba bi yin da, come back here. Awon amu ni dese buruku”[3]

They left and she went back into her house

Though, it was quiet she could not sleep. She never thought such actions could come from her.

She loved the rush; relish the verdict but not proud of the means it was derived

Maybe is she not gentle after all

Maybe Allied was never gentle to begin with

Maybe it is the other side of me…


[1] Idiots! Children that cannot think
[2] A stick used to make Eba or Amala
[3] If you are born complete, come back here. Evil people that leads one to sin

Ahón ni ìpínnlè ẹnu.

For those that can’t read Yoruba, the title translates to “The tongue is the border of the mouth.” This means there is a limit to everything.

People forget that!

The post is conversational. The Yoruba proverbs begin a new conversation and it also describes my feelings regarding the situation but it is all one story. I wish I could have written the entire post in Yoruba but I won’t because of obvious reasons.

Eni à ńgbé gègè ni yó ba ara rè jé.[1]

Allied won’t you buy our Aso ebi?

You are doing aso ebi?

Of course now – Don’t you know the naming ceremony for twins is a big deal?

It’s true. Ahh, I will also have twins ooo. How much is the aso ebi?

It is not expensive. $150 for both Ankara and Gele
(Why is every Ankara and Gele either $100 or $150? I am yet to see someone say $80 even $125, Na wa for Naija round up.)

I will send the money to your BA Account but how do I get my aso?

You know what? Make the money $170; I will mail them to you

Okay

Thank you. I will also celebrate with you oh...

Amin

Bí ọmọdé bá gun òkè àgbà, ó ńláti gbón.[2]

Brother Taju, please sew my Ankara well oh. The party is tonight

Allied, I sha don’t like when you bring me a rush job. You are going to pay ‘rush rush’ money

How much is “rush rush” money?

$70

Eh? Will the cloth then iron and fold itself?

You are truly from Ijebu

Na you sabi. I am going to pay you $30 plus bring in customers. I will take some of your business cards to the party tonight (Yeah right)

Ah, thank you. Pay $45

$35

Ahh, you are too stingy. Just bring the money

Enìkan kì í jé “Àwá dé.”[3]

I like that girl’s Ankara.

It is beautiful. But Allied, I thought you also bought Aso-ebi?

Yes now. I am wearing it

But it looks like you are the only one wearing this Ankara …

No, look at that table. One, two, three... Eight people are wearing it now.

And about thirty people are wearing the other one… Let me find out she sold you the left over Ankara.

Maybe the family is wearing something else... sebi I am just a friend…

Sade and Tolani are also friends but they are wearing the other Ankara. You do have to ask yourself, why everyone wearing the same Ankara pattern as yours is sitting together at the same table. You better go and join them…

You are not serious

Àgbà kì í fàárò họ ìdí kó má kan funfun[4]

Excuse me, Aunty Bose want you to join the others at the table in the extreme corner

Which Aunty? May I know why?

I guess it will be easier to coordinate the party if we are all together

(at the table)

Good evening Aunty

Good Evening. I want you to sit here with the others. Did Peju assign a task to you?

No Aunty

Well, you have to be assigned a task. It is the reason you are wearing the Ankara.

(during the party)

Allied did you serve table 4? (Yes aunty)

Allied, go and bring the cooler of Jollof rice from the truck (Yes aunty)

Allied why did you give that woman both meat and fish? (Sorry aunty)

Allied what is wrong with you? You are young, stop acting sluggish… (I rolled my eyes at aunty)
Allied take my daughter to the bathroom (Yes aunty)


Ìbàjé ọjó kan ò tán bòrò[5]

Aunty I am leaving. Good night

Leaving ke? We still have to pack the coolers in the van and clean the hall.

I have to go aunty. I need to be somewhere very early tomorrow

I see… After you have collected my Ankara – You are now running away when its time to work

Aunty, I don’t understand

If you knew you cannot work, why are you wearing my FREE Ankara? I told Peju to give them to people that will help me with the party. You should have bought the other Aso-ebi like everybody else.

Aunty, I bought this Ankara from Peju.

Èèyàn tí ò nítìjú ojú kan ni ìbá ní; a gbórín a tó tẹṣin.[6]

Peju, you really disappointed me. Why did you sell me that Ankara? Not only was it FREE, it was also meant to be worn by the servers of the lady who coordinated your party

Yes, but you did not have to help if you didn’t want to plus the servers are also my friends.

That is not the point. Did you tell that your Aunty Bose that you sold the Ankara because the lady disgraced me big time. You should have told me from the get go. I really feel cheated.

Allied, why are u making this a big deal? It is not that serious. It was my party and there were other people wearing the Ankara

There were Aunty Bose’s servers

Do you think you are better than they are? You think you are this mighty big shot?

Peju, obviously you miss the point. If there was no more Ankara, why did you make me buy that one? And if you wanted me to help out at the party - You should have said so. I feel cheated.

Are u calling me a cheat?

I want you to know that Àgbà tó mọ ìtìjú kì í folè ṣeré[7]


Ànán-mánàán ẹtú jìnfìn; oní-mónìí ẹtú jìnfìn; ẹran mìíràn ò sí nígbó léhìn ẹtu?[8]

I shouldn’t blame her. I think I have some kind of sticker on my forehead that says “gullible”. This is the 5th time that someone has sold me “extra” Ankara but this has been the worst experience. Was the $150 really worth it on her part? I have two options. Stop buying aso-ebi or I should start asking “Will EVERYone wear this Ankara?

Blogville, am I overreacting?

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[1] It is the person who is revered that will disgrace himself or herself.(People who are placed on pedestals have ample opportunities to topple themselves.)

[2] If a child ascends the height of maturity, he/she must become wise.(Wisdom goes with age.)
[3] One person is not entitled to say, “Here we come.”(However mighty, one person is still only one person.)

[4] A grown person does not scratch his buttocks in the early morning without showing some whiteness.(Improper behavior brings disgrace.)
[5] The disgrace one incurs in one day does not disappear that soon.(Reputations are easy to destroy but most difficult to repair.)

[6] A shameless person deserves to have only one eye, that one as large as a horse's.(Human endowments are wasted on graceless people.)
[7] An elder who is wary of disgrace will not play at stealing.
[8] Yesterday the antelope was caught in a pit-trap; today the antelope is caught in a pit-trap; is there no other animal in the forest besides the antelope?(If the same person repeatedly finds himself or herself in difficulties others are able to avoid, one should look to the person's character for the explanation.

Idol '08

Momsie told me I am the prettiest girl in the world - I believed her until I started school. Salewa had long jet black hair, Kiki was very light skinned and petite, Yewande was plump and her dark skinned glowed. I didn’t feel like the prettiest girl in the world.

When Momsie told me I have a really good voice – I was skeptical.

Do you have a good voice? Let everyone hear that beautiful voice of yours...

Sign up for Blogville Idol 2008

If you want to participate, send an email to Pink satin at pinksatinpinksatin@yahoo.com or Opeke at opeke9ja@yahoo.com.

And it came to pass...

“Inakwana[1]”
“Lafiya[2]”
“Ka yi sauki yan zu ne?”[3]
“a’a[4]”
“Allah zai tai makeka ka sami sauki[5]”
“Amin[6]”

Hajia Medinat was the last neighbor to visit Zainab after her tabarmar kunya[7]. Although, the neighbors knew what happened, they all treated her as if she had an illness that the common wontu[8] medicine could cure. Hajia Medinat said the same things as the others “eat, sleep and rest. Zaka sani sau ki yazu[9]”

Zainab locked the door after Hajia Mediant left her house. She was not angry because she expected them to all stand together with aloof dignity. Their ridicules came in the form of lectures and their sorrowful mocks were accompanied with silent jeers. And of course, this embedded trait of theirs will transmit from one generation to another in the name of culture. A practice so long established that it has the force of law. Any one who does not adhere to it becomes an outcast. Zainab is a labeled reprobate, as a child she had been spoon fed the same customs but was wise enough to chew its morals and spit out its hypocrisy.

Her cell phone vibrated and she willed with intensity for it to be Musa but it was one of those annoying forward text messages from Hazzanat asking its recipient to forward the same text to twenty other people in order to have good luck in life. She slid the phone horizontally to reveal a QWERTY keyboard and hit delete. She was tempted to send Musa a text but decided against it. “He should be the one to come to me” she muttered under her breathe. She remembered their first major fight; it was the second day of Ramadan[10]. They met after the Maghrib[11] prayer to break their fast together. Musa who was always so sullen after work was full of cheer and praises for his boss. This was the same boss Bature, Musa vowed to mow down with his car. The change in attitude came as a surprise to Zainab

“Musa, did you get promoted?”

“No, but I know it’s coming very soon, Boss Bature called me a very intelligent man. In today’s meeting, he asked us a question and I was the only one who got it right”

“What is the question?”

‘If you are walking in a dark alley at night with your mother, wife and sister, suddenly a rapist appeared and you are overpowered. He then asks you to pick one person for him to rape, whom would you choose?’

“That’s a very tough question”

“No, it is not difficult when you really think about it. I chose my wife”

“You did what? Why would you do something stupid? Aren’t you supposed to protect me ….her? Ashamed of her admission, Zainab looked out the window hoping he did not catch her last word.

“I chose my wife because I cannot bear to see my mother go through such ordeal, and I would not pick my sister for the sole reason that she is not married. What man would marry her after he knows she was raped? But my wife, I know it is not her fault, I was there so I will forgive her”

“You can also forgive your mother” Zainab uttered in disgust.

Musa pulled her closer “are you angry with me? It was a hypothetical question. I would rather die before I give you up” That was enough to soothe Zainab’s feelings. The day ended pleasantly just has it needed to for two people in love.

Zainab was sucked out of deep sleep by the repeated blows which threaten the nails out of the door’s hinges. She looked at her wrist watch and the time was quarter to two. She immediately shook Musa’s sleeping figure on the adjacent sofa. Disoriented Musa was unable to think with clarity and act with intelligence. He asked Zainab to open the door. Hesitant in her steps, she reluctantly opens the door. Three gunmen pushed their way into the room rushing violently against Musa.

“Enter your room and bring out our allowance” One of the gunmen instructed authoritatively

“Sir, this is not my house, I am just a guest” Jellified Musa answered. The gunman looked from Musa to Zainab and slowly a smirk appeared on his lips and he simpered at Musa’s lame excuse. “I see... the cat is out and the mouse is out to play. I will also like to join in this game”

He motioned his men to bring Zainab as he unbuckled his belt. Musa pleaded and offer his car as atonement.

“What car do you drive”?
“A Toyota sir”
“What year”
“1982 sir”

“You must be mad. I drove a Lexus into this stupid compound and you are offering me a wretched car. I will never go backwards in life. Wretched man”


What every girl prays not to happen to her occurred that wee hours of the morning. Musa left shortly after the gunmen. He did not look at Zainab nor did he utter any comforting words.

A month slowly crawled by and he still hasn’t called.

The vibrating phone jolted Zainab to the present. It was another annoying text from Hazzanat. She slid the phone horizontally and began to text.

“Remember your answer to Boss Bature’s question... remember your words to me”

The reply came

“It would have been so if you are my wife... I am sorry”

The nausea came first, followed by her tears. She ran into the bathroom to release the first batch of bile that is to come every morning for the next four months.

_________________________________________
[1] Good Morning
[2] Answer to greeting
[3] Are you well now?
[4] No
[5] God will help you get well
[6] Amen
[7] Matter of shame
[8] Arabic prayer written on a slate in black ink then rinsed with water. It is used as medicine.
[9] You will soon recover
[10] Islamic month of fasting
[11] The fourth daily salat -

14th & Serenity

Click here for more information

I have a CRUSH

Blogsville…..

Blogsville


How many times I call una?

…There is this very HOT guy working on my floor. I have been working here for three years and for the first time last month saw him. I am guessing he is a Newbie

I am not sure what he does here but I see him checking the Xerox machines, laser printers and other I don’t knows... I just see him looking everywhere sha. I don’t think he is part of the security team because those guys wear uniforms and he doesn’t. He is also not part of IT because that is my group. So who is he?

Let just call him Xerox guy. Guys I kid you not, God probably spend 3 days molding this guy. He is FINE… but come, Allied you are usually not attracted to light skinned guys, but this one is an exception. I find my self going to the bathroom 6 times a day like a pregnant woman just to check myself ke. I even know the times he will pass my cubicle sef.

Alas when we are alone together (babanla Juxtaposition) – hallway, near Xerox machine, pantry even elevator, I am always frowning. I don’t even know why. I just say hi and pop my earphones in my ears as in – please I don’t want to have a conversation with you” but inside I am like... Men, say something… Why do girls always have to do shakara?

He said good morning today and I just mumbled something under my breath... haa me sef... this mamiwater fine girl that’s in our office, she is a head tuner. I turn head whenever she walks by… And Yes I am straight

So she walked into the pantry and started chatting away with Xerox guy, touching his arms lightly here and there… Is she trying to leave her mark? Omo, if you want to leave a mark, piss on him... ewwwww

I am going to eye her tomorrow… But I am supposed to be professional... ok, I will pretend something entered my eye, and then look her up and down... LOL… what if they start dating (Good for them) but I cant have a crush on someone else boyfriend

Anyway sha, guys I am just excited that I have a crush… I haven’t had one for a while because men don’t just catch my eye like that...

I never date crushes... they are just there for my entertainment…

Wait oh; I don’t even know his name… Are there any rules for Crushes?

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Check out the flier on the side page “where stories collide” click on it to learn more.

Later

Won ti tag mi!!!

Rinsola tagged me
The rules:
1. Link the person who tagged you to this post
2. Mention the rules in your blog
3. Tell 6 unspectacular quirks of yours
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged


I fight with people in my head… No, i don’t have little people in my head. What i mean is i have arguments with people in my head. That did not sound right either. See, i am not confrontational, so when people irk me, step on my toes or plainly annoy me, instead of hashing it out with them. I just simply have a heated conversation with them in my head.

I cannot walk around the house naked or sleep naked. I know we females have to love our body and don’t get me wrong I do love mine but I just can’t just walk around the house naked or sleep naked. A female friend once asked me if I have ever stood in front of the mirror to look at myself naked. Let just stay she cannot to sleep over at my place anymore….

I have to sleep on the left side of the bed. If I ever give that side up for you, be aware that I must really really really like you.

I make fun of people I like. This is strange but if I am very nice and proper to you then you are still an acquaintance.

I do not liter. It is not unusual to see me with a little cute bag of rubbish. I will not drop it until I see a garbage bin. I hate it when people leave their litters on the floor especially at the movies.

I find everything dirty when it rains outside.

I think everyone in blogville has done this, so I can’t tag anyone.

Where have i been?

I cant really say. it is not that i dont want to tell but i really dont know. Before i knew it the month of April is over.

I will be back in May!! I promise

Allied

Thanks to all those that checked up on me.. I really missed u guys