Thursday, December 11, 2008

She asked me because?

a) I’m single
b) I live alone
c) I’m observant
d) I’m career oriented
e) She believes that is all what girls like me do
f) All of the above

I was surprised to see four missed calls from her when I returned from a fruitless four hour meeting. We never talk on the phone. We rarely talk in person; I did not know she had my number. We are not close. She is my cousin’s sister-in-law.

From the start, when they (my cousin’s in-laws) came to “collect” their wife (my cousin). This sister-in-law had already separated herself from us (my other cousins and I). She was one of those girls that will look at you and say “I am not your mate, America is not a leveler. If we were back home, we won’t even be on speaking terms”. She is probably 6-9 years older. I still don’t know her age. My cousin says she is 35, her brother says she is 34 and she tells everybody that she is 36. Her age does not concern me; what I know is that she wants to be respected.

So far she has earned it until her call.

On my way home I listened to her message “Allied please call me back, you are my only hope, I know u can help me”

Obviously, this had to be serious for her to bypass my cousin to call me; I guess I was really her last hope. So I called her back and asked her what she wanted

“Where can I get a dildo? What store can I go?” she asked

“Excuse me? Kile wi? I had to switch to Yoruba because I was not sure I had heard correctly”

“Dildo, vibrator, E bo ni moti le ra? A very good one.” I know you will have that information, I don’t want to get it on the internet, I want to go to a store”

At this point I took a deep breath, I was amused. How did she come to the conclusion that I had info on adult stores? Or I might know what makes a very good dildo?

“How am I suppose to have that information” I said to her calmly

“Common Allied, u girls of nowadays (girl please! We are the same generation) that don’t want to be hooked up always have a solution for yourself. Just tell me where I can get it”

Back in the days, I would have said one or two not so nice things but I am older and wiser and I also know that her opinion of me does not matter. I could have told her that I don’t know an adult store, but the truth is I am very observant

“I don’t know where u can buy a dildo except on the internet. However, there is an adult store close to your mother’s house. I am not sure if they sell only “blue movies” (yes, I still call them that, It is just easier to say in public) but I am sure they will have information on where you can go and get it”

“Can you please go there for me and find out. I need to get it for a friend. Help me pick out a good one. u should know the latest abi?”

Is this lady Mad?

“No, I can’t help you go there, and like you said ‘us girls of nowadays that don’t want to be hooked up always have a solution for ourselves’. Sorry, a dildo is not part of it.”

I guess she heard the sass in my voice because she said her goodbye and I bade her one.


Question – Do Nigerians realize that it is normal for a single girl not to want to be hooked up?

There was a time an older lady (she is also 6-7 years older) asked to hook me up. She spoke about this guy from her church; a boy I have had the pleasure of meeting many times. He was an acquaintance. She went on and on about this guy until she noticed I was not excited.

“Allied, you are too picky, is it because he is big boned?”

“No aunty, it’s not that. I know Olumide, he is a nice guy. The thing is I don’t like hook ups”

Can you believe what she told/asked me?

“Oh, I see. You don’t want to date him because he will not fornicate with you’?

I was speechless for a moment, then I busted out laughing... first of all, who uses fornication in a sentence like that? And secondly, is she really for real? I just continued laughing until she herself was embrassed and she bade me goodbye

I know hook ups works for some, but there are people like us that don’t like them. It is not a sin. I have been labeled a Fornicator and a Dildo informant because I don’t like hook ups.

I don’t like HOOK ups – Yes I said it. I DON’T LIKE HOOK UPS...

And if you are offended I said that, please go jump off a cliff

Ok, don’t jump. But seriously just because you found your wife, husband, fiancĂ©e, fiancĂ©, boyfriend, girlfriend, jump-off, cat, dog, sheep through hook ups does not mean everyone else has to go the same route.