Thursday, December 11, 2008

She asked me because?

a) I’m single
b) I live alone
c) I’m observant
d) I’m career oriented
e) She believes that is all what girls like me do
f) All of the above


I was surprised to see four missed calls from her when I returned from a fruitless four hour meeting. We never talk on the phone. We rarely talk in person; I did not know she had my number. We are not close. She is my cousin’s sister-in-law.

From the start, when they (my cousin’s in-laws) came to “collect” their wife (my cousin). This sister-in-law had already separated herself from us (my other cousins and I). She was one of those girls that will look at you and say “I am not your mate, America is not a leveler. If we were back home, we won’t even be on speaking terms”. She is probably 6-9 years older. I still don’t know her age. My cousin says she is 35, her brother says she is 34 and she tells everybody that she is 36. Her age does not concern me; what I know is that she wants to be respected.

So far she has earned it until her call.

On my way home I listened to her message “Allied please call me back, you are my only hope, I know u can help me”

Obviously, this had to be serious for her to bypass my cousin to call me; I guess I was really her last hope. So I called her back and asked her what she wanted

“Where can I get a dildo? What store can I go?” she asked

“Excuse me? Kile wi? I had to switch to Yoruba because I was not sure I had heard correctly”

“Dildo, vibrator, E bo ni moti le ra? A very good one.” I know you will have that information, I don’t want to get it on the internet, I want to go to a store”

At this point I took a deep breath, I was amused. How did she come to the conclusion that I had info on adult stores? Or I might know what makes a very good dildo?

“How am I suppose to have that information” I said to her calmly

“Common Allied, u girls of nowadays (girl please! We are the same generation) that don’t want to be hooked up always have a solution for yourself. Just tell me where I can get it”

Back in the days, I would have said one or two not so nice things but I am older and wiser and I also know that her opinion of me does not matter. I could have told her that I don’t know an adult store, but the truth is I am very observant

“I don’t know where u can buy a dildo except on the internet. However, there is an adult store close to your mother’s house. I am not sure if they sell only “blue movies” (yes, I still call them that, It is just easier to say in public) but I am sure they will have information on where you can go and get it”

“Can you please go there for me and find out. I need to get it for a friend. Help me pick out a good one. u should know the latest abi?”

Is this lady Mad?

“No, I can’t help you go there, and like you said ‘us girls of nowadays that don’t want to be hooked up always have a solution for ourselves’. Sorry, a dildo is not part of it.”

I guess she heard the sass in my voice because she said her goodbye and I bade her one.

Rubbish!

Question – Do Nigerians realize that it is normal for a single girl not to want to be hooked up?


There was a time an older lady (she is also 6-7 years older) asked to hook me up. She spoke about this guy from her church; a boy I have had the pleasure of meeting many times. He was an acquaintance. She went on and on about this guy until she noticed I was not excited.

“Allied, you are too picky, is it because he is big boned?”

“No aunty, it’s not that. I know Olumide, he is a nice guy. The thing is I don’t like hook ups”

Can you believe what she told/asked me?

“Oh, I see. You don’t want to date him because he will not fornicate with you’?

I was speechless for a moment, then I busted out laughing... first of all, who uses fornication in a sentence like that? And secondly, is she really for real? I just continued laughing until she herself was embrassed and she bade me goodbye

I know hook ups works for some, but there are people like us that don’t like them. It is not a sin. I have been labeled a Fornicator and a Dildo informant because I don’t like hook ups.

I don’t like HOOK ups – Yes I said it. I DON’T LIKE HOOK UPS...

And if you are offended I said that, please go jump off a cliff

Ok, don’t jump. But seriously just because you found your wife, husband, fiancée, fiancé, boyfriend, girlfriend, jump-off, cat, dog, sheep through hook ups does not mean everyone else has to go the same route.

53 comments:

Shubby Doo said...
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Shubby Doo said...
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Shubby Doo said...

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...allied i have tears streaming down my face and my sides hurt...

what kind of oshi is that...fornicator ke...and no it isn't normal to use it in a sentence like that...dildo informant ke...then she wants u to go and buy it 4 her...mshcewwwwwwwwwww....utter rubbish...

my cousin opened her mouth once to say some rich man must be buying all my plane tickets the way I jet around after informing that she was crashing at my place for 2 weeks in 7 days…I laughed and then to both her statements i said no...then i hung up...she is 9 years older but she can eff off...another cousin who is a year older said i was unserious cos i hadn't come to tell her about a man in my life so i must need her help and then commented that i had to marry soon cos of my age...then, in the same breath, asked me for money...i told her to shut up and to go to her husband for money...

uk might not be a leveller in age but i realised that i've surpassed so many in my ability to use simple common sense and plain old fashioned good manners

i'm with u...all these hook ups come to no avail cos i'm not interested in forced situations...it is not by force jare...

fantasy queen said...

thought i was going to be first. apparently not:(
going to bed, would be back to read tomorrow *yawn* night.

Funms-the rebirth said...

lol............ she assumed u'd own one! r u sure she wanted it for a friend? hmmm

lmao @ fornicator....... do pple still use that word?

fantasy queen said...

lol'
allieds got the hook up...
hook a sister up girl, i know u know that i know you know where to get the best sex toys from when you want to avoid 'fornication' lmao.

she probably wanted it for herself and was too embarrased to walk into a store to get one.

how've you been?

LG said...

hehehehehehehe @...Is this lady Mad?
but seriously' she gats liver

darkelcee said...

i feel you jare. cos i d don't like hook ups too.

Rita said...

"...u girls of nowadays that don’t want to be hooked up always have a solution for yourself..." that statement is not funny at all... hope she went and got the stuff herself.

I am impressed with ur stand on hookups. It is really mature.

aloted said...

nawa for this aunty o...such effrontery!

God is ur hook up jare..dunoo why people shld be desperate for u..they shld go and face their own lives!

OluwaDee said...

I feel you, hook up aint 4 every1.
Allied Nothing do u.

THIRTY + said...

Thousands and thousands of blistering baranacles!!!!

“Common Allied, u girls of nowadays that don’t want to be hooked up always have a solution for yourself. Just tell me where I can get it”
- WOOSSSSAA for that mouth of hers!!!

"Because he will not fornicate with you"
- SAY WHATTTT!!!!!!!!! I nearly choked reading that one.


Which kain rubbish be all this propositions, oju single girl ma nri nkan o.
Allied kpele you will survive, think of the good side at least it makes a good blog read

rethots said...
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rethots said...

Allied, please let me write your biography

NigerianDramaQueen said...

Allied you are really level headed and handled the situation MUCH better than I would have. I wonder if she really thought that you would believe she wanted it for her friend...good riddance

Im right with you on the hook-up thing. If it works for anyone, great for them... it feels forced and akward for me sha...

Gosh you held my attention with this post. You are such a story-teller

Anonymous said...

but seriously, how do girls like you handle the urge? blue films? or cold showers? lol. i hate hook ups as well

Standtall said...

Na wa about this hook up things o. Our society and what define them.

I dont like pple that form o.Why contacting you when she is obviously thinks you are not are mate. Besides, I cant stand it when I hear things like "you girls of nowadays...). I like the way you handled the matter. You shd have told her to tell the truth as to the real person that want the dildo. What is she afraid of?(lol)

Allied, I heart you jare

Afrobabe said...

Hahhahahahahhahahahahah..she asked u cos you are girls of this days....imagine, I would have told her to jump off a cliff...rubbish...so na me spoil reach to know...

Writefreak said...

What rubbish! They should wash their mouths with soap for speaking such gibberish!
I hate hookups too!

Jaycee said...

R U SERIOUS? LOL...

(This is too hilarious for me to get mad)...lol...

Jaycee said...

(I'm only just getting around to blog rounds, thank goodness I'm not late for the sequel...*wink wink*)

Ms. Catwalq said...

dang, how did i almost miss this post...
men, what wouldn't i give for something this interesting to happen to me....

come to think of it, my aunt called me to ask me how a cowoker of hers could spice up her love life with her (get this): husband...
errr, I am the single unmarried chick...me thinks they were not excited when i suggested cooking classes. I think they were asking for something else...

hmnnnn...do they think all single girls are a walking encyclopedia on bedroom activities...off on a tangent...

sorry, it's 4:48 am ...need sleep, food and a bath...

Anonymous said...

real question though, whats a comfortable or respectable approach? as in whats the most comfortable way for a guy to break the ice. am attracted to independent women like you, am 100% independent. i like the zeal, free spirit, self confidence of an independent woman, but the y'all put up a screen that you don't want to be talked to, your cousin clearly went out of line, because she is in a life style doesn't mean everyone shares her plight

Laughter said...

LMAO.....Fornicator Allied..... wow never knew pple still use those words o. I am definitely sure it was for her not any yeye friend.
Pele, your own will come with no hook up jare....

Jinta said...

i'm looking for one of those life sized dolls, allied. where can i get one?

miz-cynic said...

@jinta:-silly man!lol.some pple can yan dust sha.definitely it was for her. u for no tell her and let tht conji kill her. stupid woman.wht effontry.

DiAmOnD hawk said...
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nollywoodforever said...

"I need to get it for a friend."

S-T-O-R-Y

That is kinda rude! Does she even know you like that to be asking such a question?

ablackjamesbond said...

lol@ Jinta...

..Ms Allied, pele...shit happens.

Queen of My Castle said...

I'm speechless

InCogNaija said...

i have never really been hooked up before. however, you do reserve the right to want or not to want it.
As per why did she ask you, i pick option G. There is a universal dildo shaped halo on the heads of people who would know. lmao!! no mind am jare.
lmao@ you not wanting to hook up with dude cos he wont fornicate with you, that is just wow!!
Good you kept ur cool in both cases tho.

LG said...

Hellooooooooooo' anybodi home?????
i ve got sum hampers 4 u :)
*merry christmas dear

fumosh said...

I had to come up with an image of a witch in order to picture the woman in my head. That is the most irritating thing ever! she is indeed a komkobility!
She does need talking to! Kai, why were you nice to her now?

MW, thanks a bunch for stopping by mine. I have been working on a project but i have updated now.
take care

Afolabi said...

hey allied, how's it going with you? I tagged you on my blog on "Why I blog about Africa"

Bukenzo said...

Allied thanks for checking on me, am so grateful. I have been so busy, very lil time to even check my mails. I appreciate you and I hope you have a fantastic 2009. I hope to blog more next year.

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

lol!!!!

abeg, hapy ne wyear oh!

Daddy's Girl said...

Allied, I just love the way you write, feels like I can hear you speaking. It's a free world jare, people should leave you alone and stop trying to hook you up! It's not for everyone. And that dildo woman, all I can say is a big NA WA for her!

Writefreak said...

Happy new year my sister, not sure i'd come to pay homage
May 2009 be all and more you wish it to be!

Nefertiti said...

HAppy new year, Allied...

LMAO @ ur Cousin...Woreva she is. I can tell from the desperation that she is the one that needs it. Shame dey catch am...LMAO. WTH?

At Miss Fornicate, ROTFLMAO!!... At least someone's worse than my mom. My mom says 'fun' in the place of sex... like "Ma ni fun o" LOL... Oh gee, ur post cracked me up girl, adding u to my blogroll. I like how u write.

Shubby Doo said...

happy new year allied

Smaragd said...

lmao!

this ur cousin-in-law by marriage did not even try at all! warrisdat?she knocked me dead when she asked u to go buy it...lol "ko je je emi" (she's lucky i'm not her cousin in law o!)

i am one person who is also vehemently against hook-ups! it always goes awry as far as i'm concerned.

happy new year lepa! *wink*

NigerianDramaQueen said...

Madam, maike faruwa? Long time! Happy New New Year! Oya Update nowwwww
Finally got round to reading Everything Good will come, loved it! Never got round to reading the God of Small Things, but thats my project this weekend...will be back with thoughts! I also followed your recommendation and bought Swallow...cant wait to read it!!

Aijay said...

lol... She's so not serious. U handled the situation very well.

Happy new year babe... Update pls!

Ms. Catwalq said...

happy new yam oooooooooooo

NigerianDramaQueen said...

Just read 'The God of Small Things'. Curious to hear your opinion on the book. I have quite a few thoughts on it as well.When you have a chance,get at me...

Jinta said...

oya allied, update ke

Simi Speaks said...

too funny! u really cracked me up! lol

Shubby Doo said...

allied sweetie...don't let us fight...jan 2009 is coming to an end and no update...

my dear tell us at least that you are ok!

p.s
i want to hear about vegas

pp.s
what is your e-mail?!

Buttercup said...

wow..thats just ridiculous..

Tininu said...

i am in shock, so allied your the one with the dildo info like this....this is just sooo funny. After all her forming she only wanted to for a dildo...it's a shame

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